some time ago, bena told me something along the lines of how she doesnt see a point in getting too close to people, because in the end everyone just leaves. at that time i didnt agree at all because i felt that then you won't ever have people to enjoy your life with, and so your life will always be less enjoyable than what it could be. but now i actually understand. meeting someone new means that you become emotionally attached to yet another person. someone who, before you met them, your life was perfectly fine the way it was. unknowingly and so quickly, you've attached sentiments to this new person and suddenly, ive realised that this just means yet another time which will hurt when the person has to leave for whatever reason.

five years is a long time, and five years of an experience will make you who you are today. this experience of this course has taught me many things. it taught me discipline, responsibility, resilience, and perhaps most importantly, how difficult doing something can be (it doesnt have to be studying, it can be anything). i constantly ask myself why didnt i choose something easier to do, but then i think i would be a totally different person if i had chosen another path. so i convince myself that this was all for a reason that would come into play eventually. the mind is a funny thing because the mind forgets so easily. what feels absolutely tortorous one day is quickly forgotten in a week, let alone a year. i can barely remember how i felt for the Os or the As although i am pretty sure i hated my life then as well. which is why im writing this down to remind myself of how difficult doing something can be and if/when i have kids to remember never to force them to do anything they don't want to do and to council them to make sure that they make informed choices. be truly prepared for how hard it is going to be because i know what it feels like. as ridiculous as it sounds, studying for exams is absolute bullcrap shit and i hate it.